return

hello! sorry for not posting this past weekend, ive felt really exhausted and needed a break from writing daily. this trend will possibly continue in the future! (as in, me not writing during the weekends) i dont wanna burn myself out, so i hope nobody minds too much :-)

ive had alot of issues with my self worth and love and how i value myself mentally and physically, and im a little worried im spiraling again

overall i think im ok. short blog today as i just needed to explain my absence

with love,

basil arianne flowers

excitement

theres a certain excitement when im looking forward to something that makes me restless. im getting my ref sheet comm started today when i get money to pay for it... and my first energy drink in like. 2.5 weeks. i miss my lemonade tea monster guys

im like so restless i want it to be 3pm so i can be home and go to the store and get all my stuff now... but alas i must do my daily things and live and wait before i can get it started. im really excited to finally get my real form actualized. this human body im forced to be in is incorrect and ill be my true form again someday.

i am not human, only physically, and unwillingly. i am not a human or person, i am an animal and possession. and im happy i can finally have what i truly am actualized.... and also for my energy drink

i love being able to ramble. my blogs have been shorter recently but , like , life has been slow so alas, nothing to write ABOUT. its so boring but like id rather have a boring life than one thats hellish and hectic.

one good thing is my other friend reconnected! all two now! im super happy about that, but i think ill leave it off there <3

with love,

basil arianne flowers

happiness

theres a struggle for me mentally to write sometimes, but like, i feel really happy as of recent, im hoping this isnt a case of where my life goes well and suddenly a NUKE drops on me mentally, that would make me genuinely feel so bad again

i think im making progress in my life again. im happy abt that, im 18 months clean, i found how to keep myself happy and live happy. the growth ive experience recently is so relieving and its good to be happy, learning to look for the light in the dark is what turned me mentally i think. its nice.

on other notes ... ref sheet soon... im so excited for me (noa) to get something to show my physical form. i am not a human, i am a dog and so much happier that way , i am an animal, not a person. and im so excited to see it come reality...

idk what else to ramble aboutttttt... thats all i think. im happy to be alive and exist and spend time with my friends, i do truly love you all, ur amazing

with love,

basil arianne flowers

the sun after the storm

i dont have much to write about today sadly, but like, its a good day at least

ive been exceptionally tired recently despite good sleep unfortunately. last night was really nice, i had alot of fun and i felt really happy after spending time with a friend, like truly i felt happy - not a duller sense of warmth but true, burning, happy warmth of connection and happiness

im really happy, i feel like things are getting better in my life, it feels like the last few weeks were a test and i passed with flying colors despite the struggles. i think recently i also learned i shouldn't be so sad and pessimistic, and i should look on the brighter side.

theres no point in dwelling on what makes me sad as it will only make me sadder, right? i should focus on nice things, the beauty in the worst parts is what should be highlighted. i feel better after this, almost like im more confident in myself after the fact of that.

love and joy feel better to spread and feel than misery and sadness. i love being there for people, i love small things. people remembering silly small details about me make me feel like others care and love me - and its the best feeling. everything has beauty, we simply need to find it and what we define as beauty

idk what im saying anymore, but , like, ive found my sun after the storm, ive won the last few weeks by not faltering and staying alive like i am now, and i feel proud i passed that test, the worst has come to pass for now and i will thrive

with love,

basil arianne flowers

bittersweet hurt

the desire to be better and get out of the hellhole we currently live in is the only thing keeping us, our body, going. we would have been dead if not for that faintest of glimmers of light at the end of this tunnel. 

the want and desire to be who i am physically and shed this husk i wear to fool those who fear and shun what they dont like is what keeps me fighting to keep living and thriving. to be what i am and love and want to be.

i know im not a human, and thats beautiful. im some sort of animal. im a beautiful one. one day ill be better. ill be somewhere better. and i love that. i need to look on brighter sides and be happier and more optimistic. im so scared ill never get out of here that i dont realize the only thing holding me back is myself truly.

i will transition and be beautiful. i want to lose weight on the topic of my appearance — ive been sexualized for my weight for so long that ive actually neglected my physical wellbeing to keep myself like this and shunned the want to lose weight , primarily because the attention was just intoxicating. i wanna try getting to somewhere where im more comfortable weight-wise and keep there and be healthier. its the first goal for myself to improve i think.

idk what im doing this was meant to talk about my failed attempt and buring of a note butill do that tmrw i guess, it delved to “ hopeslop “ as they would call it, but thats not a bad thing 

with love,

basil arianne flowers

progress

i almost had nothing to write about today, but lo and behold when i check my phone, i had a notificaton - im 18 months clean

i used to self harm alot, which is when i originally started back in 2021. ive been relapsing alot until, well, 18 months ago, which is the longest ive been clean. its an achievement im really proud of myself for it. generally i dont feel like im forced to wear long sleeve clothing anymore (which typically equals me suffocating in  my hoodie in summer heat)

i think its different to differentiate sexual self harm and nonsexual self harm for my tracker also. ive done it for sexual reasons and i dont count it (because its different for why i started it) idk its always been a weird subject but i feel happy about it. it wasa nice start to my day n its awesome, like, im 18 months clean. 2 years soon hopefully :'3 im surprised so much happened recently and i never relapsed tbh

sorry for the shorter blog i dont have much to write abt today lololol

with love,

basil arianne flowers

good morning / good night

the way we keep our anxiety about friendships and speaking low(er) usually is by telling people good morning/good night daily, and of course trying to test the waters a little more with “how are you?” “any cool plans today?” etc etc. 

for us sometimes it feels like the bare minimum but when people tell us its appreciated it makes us happy. we try our best to be there for our friends and be kind.

its something that helps us mentally alot truly in the end. simply those few messages can help us feel secure mentally in a friendship, and help us cope with our fear and such.

the anxiety has been actually quite bad recently, we have been hyper paranoid about people talking about us and just lying about liking us, but theres not much to do about that is there really?

with love,

basil arianne flowers

anxiety

ITS STILL THE 8TH HERE SO ITS DAILT BLOG STILL!! But recently we have felt alot of anxiety and it’s weighing on us

we get really scared people just pretend to like us, and that they only spend time with us to keep their moral hands clean when we eventually, well do it, yknow, it. nonetheless, its a real fear

we get scared people talk behind our back and just are mean about us. we think its ok to dislike us, but what isnt ok is to lie to our face and act like u fuck with us! its mean! its deceitful.

nonetheless we grow, we just get so scared about it because we have little friends. oh well! we weed out any of the, “fake” ones at least that way, right? idk. we trust our friends even with the anxiety, so we shouldn’t dwell on it too long.

sorry this was venty, well actually im not? its my blog my rules and YOU chose to read the one titled ‘anxiety’, so we arent sorry truly.. but we are thankful you read it all, its appreciated <3

with love,

basil arianne flowers

finding my identity - III

in recent days we have gone through alot mentally, mainly alot of stress and panic and the likes - stuff nobody really likes, but focusing on writing my daily blogs, and, the topic of this post, finding my identity and exploring it more

i know i said in the last installment of this that i felt complete, and while that is very true, it still feels nice to discuss it and just, have an active conversation with myself about it all, and just talk! i mean, what else if a blog for if not to log my thoughts, life, feelings and etc etc?

on a less super deep level, i found this gif of a bernese mountain dog puppy and, weirdly, he is sideways in the preview for it, but when i send him, he turns upright. hes kinda me. hes such a cutie

a friend told us about a bernese mountain dog it found in a, frankly kinda shit, bookstore and we felt warm inside after, in a good way of course, it felt nice to hear an experience of something kind and lovely thriving in a poor environment. its like me, we said "i am inside of that dog" and oh it didnt sound good coming out lolol

but, truly, when you see those guys, and if you miss me, say hi, i might just say hi back somehow. i do feel a deeper - beyond physical - connection with them, for i am them and they are me. i am a big fluffy bernese mountain dog, the only features exclusive to me are my wings and halo

im happy i can ramble and talk about my identity. i am not human. i dont think i ever have been, rather i deluded myself into thinking so. i am an animal. not a human, not a person, but an animal, and its always been that way. i am a dog, through and through, i am 'non-human' always and forever

we dont concern ourselves with making sense i think. our identity makes sense to us, and if it doesnt to you, thats ok! i dont think i need to conform to someone elses ideas, yknow? we are all different and have different viewpoints in the world, and how we live and exist, and if i dont fit into what you deem as correct thats ok.

i think thats all i wanna get out today, so ill end my writing here. i hope you're all good, we truly do care about you. we tweeted something today we wanna share as well; "i exist to be kind and spread love and help bare others anguish, and when i am unable to do those things, i may rest."

with love,

basil arianne flowers

growth over a period

i think the hardest part of existing for us is the last 3 months.

we went through a breakup - twice. we lost basically everyone close to us, save for, what, 5 people? if i count right? also finally exploring our pluarlity, which has been the most overwhelming and scary thing for us before... its STILL scary. but we grow and change more and more.

im happy ive finally confronted my plurality after shunning it for so long, learning to live and grow with it instead of , well , ignoring it is so refreshing. i am in flow with my mind and body and soul it feels, a centimeter at least. its comforting to know and love myself more.

im gonna be ok. it doesnt feel like it sometimes, like last night and last tuesday for example, it felt like the world would end and it was my last days alive and yet, here i am, thriving as much as i can reasonably through it all. i love you all. i love myself. i love ourself.

with love,

basil arianne flowers.

(sorry for the rambley post we wanted to get this all out, keeping our thoughts locked up makes us absolutely sick. this one didnt feel like alot but it is to us)